Unpopular Opinion: Thanksgiving is the Worst
Turkey-sandwiched between the ghoulish fun of Halloween and the whimsical magic of Christmas is Thanksgiving - a stuffy chore of a holiday that celebrates tradition for tradition’s sake. I hate it. I’ve always hated it. As a kid I was reprimanded once for saying that Thanksgiving was everything that sucked about Christmas, but without the presents.
Hating Thanksgiving is not just anti-American, it’s sacrilegious. I’m not sure how a holiday that has nothing to do with Jesus (at least to my knowledge) became the embodiment of country, Christian-conservative values, but ask a Thanksgiving true-believer what the holiday is about and they will say it celebrates family and traditions. What does that really mean? The whole holiday is less of a celebration and more like a pressure cooker designed to elicit disappointment and disagreements between family members. Some of the ugliest fights in my family have occurred on Thanksgiving. I ended up crying at most of the Thanksgivings before my 21st birthday. After that, I just got drunk (more on Crunksgiving later). Instead of enduring the agony of Thanksgiving we should just burn it down. Here’s why:
The holiday TRIES to REWRITE THE mass genocide of Native Americans
We all know this by now. Can we stop mythologizing a sanitized story about pilgrims and native Americans breaking bread at the long table?
The food sucks
You are told to starve yourself all day to make room for this amazing feast. Then, at 4 PM, you are finally called into the kitchen to see the magnificent banquet that awaits. You enter the door to behold…. a buffet of casseroles?
I’m from the South. I’ve heard that in California there are mythical Thanksgiving dinners with bright, fresh, and flavorful sides like balsamic-glazed roasted Brussels sprouts with pomegranate seeds or rosemary duchess potatoes. In North Carolina, we have overcooked and over-salted vegetables that originally came from cans and are spooned out of 1970s Pyrex dishes.
I’m also a vegetarian, which means, “You can just take the fatback out of the green beans.” For most of my family Thanksgivings, I’ve subsided my hunger with dinner rolls. The worst part is that somehow we end up eating the same crap for Christmas.
It’s No Fun
I think the number one reason so many fights break out at Thanksgiving is that there is nothing else to do. It’s boring. It somehow has all the formality and reverence of Christmas with none of the activities. Children are relegated to the kids table with nothing but a plate full of mush to entertain them.
Why so serious? When I was in fifth grade the family went around the table to share what they were thankful for. The responses were evenly split between “health” and “that Jesus died for our sins.” I decided to reply honestly and said, “I’m thankful to have a day off from school.” By the look on my mother’s face you would have thought I had desecrated the nativity scene (it had already been set up next to the pillar candles shaped like skinny pilgrims). On the ride home she scolded me for being inappropriate. Thanksgiving, apparently, is not a time for laughter or frivolity - just how the puritans would have wanted it.
Sexist Roles
Here’s a classic Thanksgiving portrait for you: women running around the kitchen cooking while men drink in the living room, occasionally stopping in to hover over their wives’ shoulders and complain about the food not being ready. After dinner, men leave the table to watch football while the women return to the kitchen to clean. Once the cleaning is done, the women stay in the kitchen to chat about their kid’s school or neighborhood gossip while the men either sleep in front of the TV or throw a football outside.
This is dumb. Neither option is appealing to me. I remember hitting my boiling point once after the women in my family had been discussing different types of laundry machines for at least 30 minutes. “Can we please, for the love of God, talk about something other than household chores?!?” I pleaded.
Outside wasn’t much better. My brother-in-law teased me over how my alma mater had played that day. “The Tarheels got whopped,” he grinned. I shrugged. "She doesn’t even know about the football game,” he announced to the other men, prompting uproarious laughter. I didn’t know which was worse, the division of the labor or the conversation.
Politics
For years, you’ve coached yourself on how to deal with your Crazy Uncle who eats Fox News for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You tell yourself, “I’m not going to get into it this year. What’s the point? We don’t see eye to eye. It’s just going to make everyone upset.” Even when you don’t want to bring up politics, politics happen.
As the only progressive in my family I’m usually targeted. I try my best to ignore offhand comments about the number of people [“your girl”] Hillary has (according to conspiracy theorists) killed. In 2014, a family member could not stop trying to talk to me about Benghazi. No one in the family stepped in to say anything as I suffered through my meal. I politely deflected barb after uniformed barb. Finally, I looked up and said, “Did you not know about the report that was just issued by the republican-led investigation committee on Benghazi that found no evidence of wrongdoing by Hillary Clinton?”
He sat there stunned with his mouth open. Then, and only then, did an aunt interject to scold me, “Now now, let’s not talk politics at the dinner table.”
It’s true that I’m a Thanksgiving Debbie Downer. My preference would be to opt out of the holiday entirely. When that’s not a possibility, then here are my suggestions to make the holiday better:
Run a 5K for Charity
My boyfriend and I started this tradition years ago and it has become one of our favorites. No matter where you are, there’s bound to be a local 5K. It gives you something to do in the morning, gets you out of the house and your blood pumping, and it makes you feel less shitty about stuffing yourself with carbs later.
Eat Dinner Out Instead
If you are thinking that you can’t run a 5K in the morning because you have sooooooo much food to cook you are forgetting something: no one likes your nasty corn pudding anyways. Stop being a slave to the kitchen and just eat out with the family. You won’t have to stress about the prep or the cleanup, and everyone can order what they want. For years, it’s been my dream to have Thanksgiving at the Waffle House. If you can’t fathom eating out, do the next best thing by having the food catered. I like using Wegman’s or Whole Foods.
Make it Fun
In homage to a younger version of myself, who was happy for a day off from school, I’ve become a fan of Thankful Trees. These are centerpieces made out of cardboard, found branches, or anything else resembling a tree. Guests write something they are thankful for on a paper leaf and hang the note on the tree. My one rule: the sillier, the better.
I’m also a fan of Table Topics to get a good conversation going that avoids both politics and latent contempt for specific family members. Sample questions like, “What do you remember about the home where you grew up?” are unlikely to start a big fight.
Give Back
I find that the best way to get out of your own funk is to help someone else. I would much rather spend the day volunteering at a soup kitchen, taking care of adoptable kitties at the local shelter, or helping out on a Habitat for Humanity project than arguing with my mother about my life plan.
You can also give thanks. This year I’m starting a tradition of sending thank you notes to 10-15 people who have really helped me.
Drink Heavily
If all else fails, drink. In college, my best friends from high school and I started celebrating Crunksgiving. Crunksgiving is when you escape from the house immediately after dinner to drink at a local bar with friends who are in town. We weren’t the only ones getting smashed. My dad worked in the adult beverage industry for years, and Thanksgiving was always the busiest season. He told me that more alcohol is consumed during Thanksgiving than any other American holiday. That tells you all you really need to know.
Image by Whitney Ayres Kenerly @whitybird
